by

Jeffrey Taylor

INT: MORTGAGE BROKER OFFICE - PHOENIX, AZ - DAYTIME

Banker
(At desk - stands up)
Good morning, how can I help you?

Customer
One of my friends told me about your new loan product.

Banker
That's wonderful.

Customer
Can you tell me more about it.

Banker
(Motioning to customer)
Have a seat. Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Customer
(visibly wired)
I just had a quad bente Americano at Starbucks.

Banker
Does it keep you up at night?

Customer
Not really. I eat a lot of French fries at dinner.
The combination puts me to sleep.

Banker
(Leans over desk - gets closer to customer) What can I tell you about our new product?

Customer
What's the rate?

Banker
Depends.

Customer
Depends on what?

Banker
Depends on a variety of factors?

Customer
Like what?

Banker
Your ability to handle pain, for example.

Customer
Pain?

Banker
(Sits back in chair)
We call our newest product the "electrifying" loan. We tie you up to a bunch of electrodes and start with a market-based interest rate. Every 30 seconds we turn up the juice and lower your rate. Some of our best clients hold on for 3 minutes.

Customer
So what happens?

Banker
Well, they pass out but get a rate below prime. Thank God, there's no permanent damage.

Customer
(In shock)
Do you have any other programs that don't require me to strap up?

Banker
Oh sure. For our premium, preferred, super-duper customers we have the famous "no-doc" loan.

Customer
What's the rates? Are there any fees?

Banker
Slow down, speed demon. Let me ask you a couple of questions. if you say yes to all of them you get the money in 24 hours.

Customer
Shoot!

Banker
(Pulls out questionnaire)
Question #1. Do you own your own business?

Customer
Yes.

Banker
Does it make a profit?

Customer
Yes.

Banker
Have you owned it for at least 3 years?
Yes.

Banker
Were you born in Arizona?

Customer
I moved here 20 years ago.

Banker
(rips up application)
I'm so sorry. Let's try a different product. It has a slightly higher interest rate with some small up-front fees.

Customer
(dazed)
O.K.

Banker
We call this our "low-doc" loan. You need to provide us copies of your tax returns.

Customer
No problem.

Banker
Good. I have a couple of questions unless you want to go back to the "electrifying" loan which guarantees the lowest rate possible.

Customer
Not really.

Banker
Are you sure? We give you some valium to make it an enjoyable experience. We fly it in from Canada. Dirt cheap!

Customer
(anxious)
I'm sure.

Banker
(pulls out questionnaire)
Question #1. Do you have copies of your tax returns for the last 3 years.

Customer
(with pride)
Absolutely.

Banker
Did you make a profit in each of those 3 years?

Customer
(hesitates)
Yes.

Banker
(leaning over - staring in customer's eyes)
Did you just hesitate?

Customer
I had to think a moment.

Banker
Nice coverup.

Banker
Did you really make a profit?

Customer
You just asked me that question.

Banker
The first question I asked was if you made a profit. I just asked you if you "really" made a profit. That's a different question.

Customer
(quickly responds)
Yes. Damn it. I made a profit.

Banker
Getting frustrated?

Customer
Yes.

Banker
We're almost finished. Did H.R. Block prepare your return?

Customer
No. I used my brother-in-law. He's a CPA.

Banker
(rips up application)
They are notorious for fudging numbers.

Customer
So where does that leave us?

Banker
I have one final product that I know you will like.

Customer
(frustrated - sarcastic)
I'm all ears.

Banker
I send you to another bank.

Customer
(incredulous)
What?

Banker
I send you to our competitor across the street.

Customer
You've got to be kidding?

Banker
Dead serious. We do it all the time.

Customer
So how do you make money?

Banker
They give us a referral fee.

Customer
So what you're telling me is that if I go across the street I can get a better deal?

Banker
No doubt in my mind.

Customer
So why should I tell them that you sent me?

Banker
No reason.

Customer
You're confusing me. You're saying that I can walk across the street to the Bank and get a better deal than I can get here at...

Banker
(with pride)
"We-be" honest mortgage.

Customer
(angry)
Fine.

Banker
(smiling)
See you later.

Customer
(caught off guard)
What do you mean?

Banker
There is a 90% probability that they will turn you down.

Customer
(insulted)
And?

Banker
They're going to send you back to me.

Customer
Meaning?

Banker
Because they turned you down I'll have to charge you a much higher rate and more fees to cover the risk!

Customer
(accepting defeat)
So what you're saying is that I can make the situation worse?

Banker
Happens all the time.

Customer
O.K. Give me the electrodes.

Banker
You're in luck. We just cleaned them.

Customer
Where's my valium?

--- THE END ---